10 things you should know about one-night stands

Or as we like to call them, ‘adult sleepovers’.

By Emma Markezic

Sometimes they’re forgettable, sometimes they’re regrettable. But mostly, one-night stands are like squirmy little toddlers; completely and utterly unpredictable. Where are they going to go? No one knows. But there are some home truths about the grown-up sleepover you need to remember no matter what happens when the love glove comes off. So, in case you haven’t been paying attention, here they are. Take notes, lovers.

It’s going to be emotional. Biologically speaking:

Emotions: they exist. And they can happen to you. It’s likely, in fact, given the way the female brain releases and interprets oxytocin during sex. You’re like, “This is just a one-time deal, no biggie.” And then oxytocin is all, “Are you sure? Because I’m suddenly feeling all warm and fuzzy about this guy… maybe there’s more here?” And then you’re all like, “You might be right. Couldn’t hurt to find out, right?” Yep. Sound familiar?! You can blame Mother Nature. Just remember you can’t control her, she’s a wild one.

It’s like eating an entire packet of Skittles:

Sure, you feel good for a while – you have just tasted the rainbow, after all. But the resulting sugar crash is inevitable. The same goes for one-night stands – they can be all deliciously serotonin-producing at the time, and still leave you feeling a right shambles the next day. Overnight romances come with hangovers just like beer and chocolate.

You need to channel your inner Prime Minister:

What would a PM do when confronted with a foreign body? Well, if you’ve ever been through airport security, you know they check them out before letting them roam free to enjoy their nation’s amenities. And when it comes to protecting your borders, you need to use the same zeal. And by zeal I mean condoms.

He doesn’t care about your underwear:

Or your unshaven legs. Or even your unkempt lady garden. Right now, he’s over the flippin’ moon that he’s about to get laid without having to put in weeks of woo-time. As long as you have female genitalia when the layers come off, his mood isn’t going to change much from its current YOU ARE THE MAN! status. A dude never met a vagina he didn’t like.

Speed demons aren’t coming back for seconds:

A man who makes a quick getaway the morning after the night before isn’t going to call back later for chats over Milo. He got out of there because he didn’t want to drag it out. Breakfast is a bonus, not a given.

It’s not unlike bungee jumping:

Just because you've harnessed up and walked out on to the platform doesn’t mean you actually have to leap off into the great abyss if you’re not feeling it. The same goes for nookie; just because you went back to his place or he ended up at yours, doesn’t mean he gets to leap off into your great abyss. You can change your mind at any point and any time if you’re not getting the good-time vibe.

It’s unlikely to be O-mazing:

Don’t expect an orgasm from an overnighter. Firstly, that’s like expecting to be promoted to CEO after being with a new company for a week. Secondly, you’re probably both a little inebriated, if statistics are anything to go by, and therefore not performing your PB. That’s not to say it won’t happen, but when it’s all hands and mouths and limbs without a lot of prior knowledge or emotion behind it, it’s a bit of a lottery.

The Venus flytrap knows what’s up:

Because what do those natty little plants do? They sit there, doing nothing. Just waiting for their buzzy little playmates to come to them. And that’s exactly what you need to be doing post-one nighter. Don’t call, don’t text, don’t drop by for the earring you conveniently left there. DO NOTHING. If he wants to, he knows exactly where to find you. Plus, in this analogy you get to be a biological marvel while he’s a potentially creepy insect… I like that.

Feelings are not sexually transmitted:

Just because a man is happy to lay his hotdog down in your bun doesn’t mean he actually likes you as a person. It’s a cruel irony… like how yoga pants are actually the most comfortable thing to wear while eating Doritos on the couch. Sadly, you can’t assume he’s come to the sudden realisation there’s this funny/kind/special girl where he didn’t see one before. You’re the exact same girl… he’s just seen you naked.

It’s okay to be all Beyoncé about it:

In the end, we have one-night stands because they’re fun; they make us feel sexy and saucy and some other kind of wonderful. So live in the moment, enjoy it (let him know if you enjoyed it) and generally be a boss about it when it’s over. If you’re going to do it, you might as well own it.